God Must Be Up to Something

“When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.”

So perfect for me right now. It feels as if everything is falling apart. Let’s have a little pity party for Ashley while we list off things that suck in her life right now-

-Didn’t get job she interviewed for bc they hired internally (bad timing!!!)

-Gets in car accident (and gets ticketed for it)

-Is broke (seriously.)

-Absolutely cannot focus on schoolwork (burnt out??)

-Despises her current job

-Has the emotions of a rock (none. whatsoever.)

-Absolutely hates the way her body looks

I know.  I can hear the world's smallest violin playing now.  I could probably think of more, but that’s just what comes to mind. Though I have no emotions whatsoever, I think I realized that I have deep feelings (or something like that) for someone I hardly know and who hardly knows I exist. I’m not sure that ‘feelings’ is the right word, but I just have this person on my mind every single day. He’s the only person I caught a glimpse of for a split second and never forgot that moment. I had to know who he was. Now, he comes across my mind everyday. And I’ve only been around him a handful of times. How is this? He’s an arrogant, self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic smart-ass. Yeah the first four words are all synonyms, but that’s him. He tries to dispute anything anybody says. He doesn’t let anybody ‘win’; he has to get the last word in. He’s become ‘short’ in the way he talks online. I can’t ever tell his tone of voice, but it sounds dry and boring. And yet he’s caring, kind, intelligent, loving (to his family), and adventurous. He’s handsome and physically fit. He hardly knows I exist and makes me feel so small in this world. Yet when I see his name appear, whether in a text or online, my heart rate increases, I feel queasy, and I start sweating. Geez when he lived here, I felt on edge all the time. Yes, I said when he lived here because he moved. Months ago. And I still get like this.

So maybe I do have emotions? It doesn’t feel like it. I’ve adapted the “death is inevitable, there’s nothing you can do about it” attitude. ‘Things’ just don’t affect me anymore. I don’t cry at funerals. I don’t cry at weddings. I don’t care anymore if I hurt someone’s feelings. And likewise, mine don’t get hurt easily like they used to. With love or feelings for the opposite sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that it would suck to give someone your all, love them so much, then they get taken from you. Whether it be 5 years from now or 50 years from now. That kind of hurt seems unbearable and almost unnecessary. I’ve become numb…and that’s fine. OH! And the divorce rate nowadays!? Ridiculous. What a waste of time, money, and love. People, get married for the right reasons. Not for money, status, looks, convenience, etc.

The thing is I still want to be a mom. When I think back to the days where I knew I wanted a family, I remember wanting children. …Not a man. So if I never get that ooey-gooey, lovey dovey romance, I’ll adopt a child who needs a home. My dad SO wants to be a grandfather and he’d be a great male role model for a child.

Gee this is a lot to think about and I’m sort of spilling my bloody guts all over the internet. But, I needed to vent. Hopefully things will start looking up for me.  I could use a sign from the universe.  And maybe I’m hoping that guy I was talking about would see this!! Hehehe….no, actually he’d probably think I was creepy and avoid me at all costs after reading this! I hope I didn’t scare any one away!

Fall came fast...

Wow, it is really already Fall...November...almost Thanksgiving!  Where did the time go?  I can't even begin to tell you how fast this summer went for me.  School is beginning to really pick up and therefore I have been pretty stressed. The weather though, has been perfect.  I don't remember ever having a true fall season here in Eastern NC.  It usually goes summer to winter, with maybe one nice day of fall.  But this last month or so has been absolutely gorgeous. 

It makes me so happy...and yet sort of sad at the same time.  I am an independent, single woman and I am happy with that.  I know I don't need a man to complete me...at least at this point in my life.  But when everything else in the world seems so perfect, I just get this weird feeling in my body.  I don't know how to describe it....I just wish, sometimes, that I had someone to spend these near perfect days with.  Instead of doing things alone (which I am happy doing!) I want a 'significant other' to share the times with and create memories for more than myself!  And yet there are many times I am so glad I am single.  I think it's just the woman in me getting these weird feelings of wanting to be with someone. 

Ohhhh, but men....they are almost as complicated as women.  Almost.

About 2-3 weeks ago though, I had some really great guys come into my life.  Not in a dating sense....in a great friendship sort of way.  I feel myself around them and it's very comforting to know they aren't in it to 'get with me'.  I haven't laughed so hard and so much in a long time....i know it's the beginning of a lasting friendship.  What's tough though is that two of them are Marines and therefore could get orders elsewhere.  Hopefully that doesn't happen soon.  Here we are though...

 

Jake, Ethan, myself, Chris, and Bryan

Really great people....alright well I have some schoolwork to accomplish, but y'all have a very blessed Sunday.  Get out and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having.  Be thankful for the kind, loving people in your life...

 

This girl...

...hasn't written in...months?!  Believe me, that doesn't mean I've been up to nothing or have nothing to say.  :)

Life just has a funny way of  being...confusing, ever-changing, and sometimes punishing. 

My back has been healing quite well.  I have been working out for three weeks now.  I really...desperately...urgently need to lose the weight I have put on since my injury almost 21 weeks ago.  My mood and personality just isn't the same when my confidence is this low.  I try to put on a happy face, but really, I feel like a shadow of myself--a larger shadow that shades more ground than I'd like. 

They say that men prefer larger, confident women than a supermodel with a horrible personality.  I don't want to be a supermodel (fitness model, yes!).  I don't want to be 'thinner' and leaner for anybody but myself.  It really sucks when your own clothes don't fit you...when you can't find clothes that DO fit you...and when you can't pull off clothes because of your belly (or larger boobs!).  Yes boobs suck.  They can go down a cup size and I'd be happy.

So for my new workouts, I have been doing cardio.  Namely the stairclimber and elliptical.  Also, since I can't lift very  heavy weights because of my back, I am instead lifting about 70-75% of my max, but doing many reps, about 20.  I do 4 sets of these.  It's much easier on my back than attempting to lift heavier weights and be in pain.  We'll see how it goes though.  I realllyyy need to get my diet on track.  That really is the hardest part for me.  I love working out and would spend the whole day in the gym if I could.  But the diet part of fitness?!  Well, I just always have a sweet tooth that gets the better of me.  I'm struggling to find the balance I need.  It will come though.  I just have to have more self discipline. 

For now everybody, goodbye and have a blessed day.  If anybody is reading this on the East coast, be safe in this hurricane!

Self-Image ... a work in progress

ya know, simply put, sometimes life can be a bitch. 

excuse the language :)

life most certainly has its ups and its downs...they are part of what makes us who we are.  how we overcome struggles, how we deal with stress, the way we handle life's excitements...all play a role in shaping who we are.  in my last post i informed my small group of followers that i fractured 2 (possibly 3 i learned!) vertebrae.  due to this unexpected life event, i have been 'out of commision' for some time now.  by this i mean i can't life anything, couldn't drive for a while, and couldn't exert to much energy doing anything.  well my darned body is the type of body that just needs and craves exercise.  i gain weight very fast.  it's a curse, really.  unfortunately my body is showing that i had a serious injury.  i cannot find clothes that look good on me and i certainly can't pull any outfit i would like out of my closet because they don't all fit!  it's actually been pretty depressing.  i mean i already had an awful body image and now it's 10x worse.  i absolutely hate..dispise...loathe the way i look now.  and you know what?  i hate feeling this way about my body!  i hate being uncomfortable in my own skin.  when i was smaller (last summer) i was pretty confident (though not entirely) and i felt good in the clothes i was wearing. 

ok, so to fix this......  i've been eating better, for one.  this is by far my biggest hurdle.  i have never been one of those people who gets 'bored' with their workouts.  i love working out.  i love lifting weights.  i love being in the gym.  i do however get bored with my diet.  very easily.  this is why i 'veer off course' sometimes.  so lately i have been trying to change up what i eat so i don't get bored as easily.  also, i have been in the gym.  don't worry, not lifting anything.  i have been getting on the elliptical for at least 45 minutes a day.  i hate not getting to the gym and i don't want my back to be an excuse of some sort. 

lately (being single and all) i've been thinking of the quote that says something along the lines of "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else".  i've been thinking about it because i most certainly do not 'love' myself (mostly my image issues).  i never really thought this statement is true because i know that i have love to give.  ...however since i am single, that means that i have to put myself out there in some ways, which means having confidence.  which means I'm not going to be going on a date any time soon because i'm not exactly radiating confidence.  so unattractive, i know.  i hate when guys don't have confidence, and i'm being so hypocritical!  i know i can love (or at least like, so soon for love!) someone else without 'loving' myself, but i'm not going to get anywhere in the near future....unless some nice, caring guy i'm attracted to can boost my self-image!

this is so much complaining, i know.  but this blog is a good spot for me to vent!!  also it is called Confessions of a Patriotic Barbie.  not feeling like barbie any more.   ughhhh!!  i wish i had the money to hire a cook and am awesome fitness trainer who has a good record!

wellll, my birthday is at the end of the month, and it also marks 6 weeks since the day of my fall :)  i can't wait to get back in the gym and lift!  i miss it.

y'all have very blessed day and i am going to try to do the same...i feel better now that i've vented on the internet :)

Ash     ( i'm at work and don't have my signature thingy :P )

Broken Back But Not Broken Spirits

I'm baaaack!   With a broken baaaack!!

So I was in Colorado Springs visiting my father last week and boy what a week it was!  I got in around midnight on Monday night/Tuesday morning after having a hard time with my flights.  Tuesday we went to my dads work where they have a rock climbing wall that's about 30 feet high.  So I decided I'd try it out!  We hooked me up and I climbed to the top my first try! (on the easy route of course :-P)  I then climbed down about halfway before asking how I'm 'supposed' to get down.  I was told to jump!  The harness should catch me and bring me down slowly.  Well the loop on my harness snapped and I fell to the ground fracturing 2 vertebrae and bruising a lung.  I was only in the hospital 27 hours!  I have the amazing EMTs and hospital staff to thank for that.  They were all absolutely fantastic.  Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs definitely exceeded any expectations I may have had. 

Now let's talk about this whole experience....

I just want to point out that I am so very blessed to be where I'm at with this injury.  Yes, I broke 2 vertebrae, but guess what?  I'm walking fine (doing light cardio in fact), I can sit straight, and continue to live a mostly normal life (limited movements for right now).  I VERY EASILY could have been killed or paralyzed in this accident.  It would have taken landing slightly differently to change my life forever.  I am just so thankful that the Lord was looking out for me on June 19.  My dad witnessed everything and he said he has never been so scared in life...which is saying something considering what hell he has been through in the past.  His baby girl was knocked unconscious, wind knocked out of her.  I woke up and had no idea where I was, but I knew my back was hurt so I just laid there. I was so thankful when I wiggled my toes and they were doing what I wanted them to do.  This past week has been pretty emotional.  I now know that I was put on this earth for some reason...I just don't know why yet. 

So they say you should live life to the fullest everyday, right?  Well now, I really want to!  After realizing how blessed I was in this situation, I just want to do SOMEthing with my life.  I mean so far what have I done?  I've gone to school.....that's it.  Sure, I've had some good times in between, but I really want to live.  As of right now, I work, go to the gym, and come home.  That's it.  I'm 21 years old and I have such an empty space in my heart.  I don't know what's missing.   Is it love?  Family?  I'm just not sure.  I am such an adrenaline junky and I never get to live that out here in good 'ole Eastern North Carolina.  Maybe a move is in need.  Colorado Springs with my Dad?  There's all sorts of outdoor fun there...all year round.  I just....I don't know!!!  I feel so dissatisfied and I know that my days are limited....as I said, this week has been emotional and eye-opening.

My thoughts are scattered right now, so forgive me if while reading this it seems jumpy.  I just needed to get out some of these feelings...I was also hoping that writing it out would give me a clue, but it didn't lol

If you're reading this, go live your life!!!  And of course, have a blessed day :)

Bake-aholic

Hey yall!!!

I'm in a good mood right now...not great, but good.  (maybe because I just took my Managerial Accounting exam!)

So this past weekend I was SO busy!  Saturday I mowed the yard...then I went to Lowe's to get some...stuff!  I'm re-doing my parents bathroom (now I guess it's mine..complicated situation).  I just got new towel racks, light, and mirror for now, but I know it will make a HUGE difference.  Especially considering we still have the ugly contractors stuff in there right now.  I also got some grass seed and weed killer...

OK but the most exciting part was my Sunday.  I baked ALL day Sunday...and loved every minute of it.  I made Strawberry Lemon muffins, Chocolate Chip muffins, and Peanut Butter & Jelly cupcakes...yepp.  You heard right.  Peanut Butter & Jelly.

I decided that every Monday I am going to bake for work and set up my donation jar (this stuff isn't cheap!).  It was a success yesterday!  I also got compliments such as

"OMG that was the BEST cupcakes I've ever had in my life!!! Will you make me an entire batch?!" 

and..

"Ashley that was by far the best cup cake I ever ate, thanks!"

:-)  Makes me happy.   See, I really do love the baking process, but clearly and cannot/don't want to, eat allll of the stuff I make.  I usually don't even have one.  Don't worry, I do taste the batter to make sure everything is coming out just right :)  Here is a pic of the Strawberry Lemon muffins about to bake (this batter, btw, tasted like an amazing ColdStone Creamery creation)

Alright so now for the Peanut Butter & Jelly cupcakes.  They had jelly on the inside (I alternated between strawberry and grape), were topped with a delicious peanut butter frosting, and had a dollop of jelly on top!  Here are the simple steps I took to finish them off :)


1.  I used a fruit 'thingy' (I have no idea what it is supposed to be used for!) to make an imprint on the top of the cupcake since it made a perfect circle.

 

2.  I used a small paring knife to hollow out the center.  Directly following that, I used the same fruit 'thingy' to get any cake I missed.

 

3.  At this point, I used a teaspoon (simply bc of its small size, not to measure) to scoop the jelly/jam into the cupcakes.

 

4.  Almost done!  Last step was frosting the cupcakes which I did on a lazy susan.  The pics after that are of the finished project!

YUMMY YUMMY!!   Well, actually guys I have to get going because I have a dinner thing to go to :)  

Be blessed yall :)

Cupcakes & College

Howdy :)

OK so last time (I know it was a while ago) I said that I was going to make cupcakes for Easter!  Annnnd I did!  I made Hummingbird cupcakes and plain yellow cupcakes in ice creams cones.  If you're from the south you may have heard of and/or had Hummingbird cake...well I made the cupcake version!  They have mashed banana, crushed pineapple, and coconut.  They are DELICIOUS!  Everyone who's had one has loved them.  I have made them about 4 times in a short time span.  They are topped with a cream cheese frosting but they are also SO good without anything on them.  My ice cream cone cupcakes had a vanilla buttercream frosting on them that I made pink and I added little Easter marshmallows on them...here they are :)

 

To transport the cones, I cut holes into the top of the box my new laptop came in.  And isn't my little cupcake carrier awesome!?  It's so useful.  It's kind of big, but I mean it has to be a little big in order to hold cupcakes that have frosting!  it holds 36 too!  I have been making lots of cupcakes and muffins and whatnot for the Marines I work with and the other people in my office and it definitely has gotten expensive.  I didn't bring anything this past Monday (which is the day I usually bring goodies) and the Gunny from Corporal's Course noticed and suggested I bring in a jar to collect donations.  What a good idea! So I bought a glass jar today and I'm going to make a label to stick on it that says "Ashley's Baking Fund".  I'm actually pretty excited about this because I LOVE baking :)

This past weekend was also Lauren's bridal shower!  She got so much awesome stuff to go in her new house!  How exciting!!  We decorated everything very pink by the way :)  I also made my brownies that everyone loves.  Here is a pic of the beautiful bride, Lauren, and her bridesmaids :)

 

 I looked completely awful, but everyone else really looked great!  It was a great time...and Marcy made a Sangria that was pure deliciousness.  And the fruit in it was completely soaked in alcohol! haha...they were also very good though ;)

Classes are finally starting to come to an end.  Finals begin next week!  My first semester of grad school is almost done!  Last night was my last Finance class so my group and I went out to Chico's for drinks :)  I got the huge 46 oz Margarita that they have and it was not strong at all!!  I mean I probably should not have been able to drive after that and I could (and did).  I wasn't looking to get wasted or anything, but that barely did anything! ....I sound like an alcoholic huh?!  OH speaking of that, my friend Chris calls me the alcoholic baker (because it seems like every time we are texting I'm drinking a glass of wine or having a beer) so after I finished my last batch of cupcakes the other night this is the text I sent him and the one I got back:

Me- "The alcoholic baker succeeds again"

Chris- "Does that mean you're drunk or the cupcakes are done?"

Hahaha that cracked me up!  I thought it was hilarious for some reason....

I'm watching the Flyers v. Penguins game right now and getting angry, so I think it's time to log off!!  GO PENGUINS!!!  they better step it up!!

night yall