“When you are down to nothing, God is up to something.”
So perfect for me right now. It feels as if everything is falling apart. Let’s have a little pity party for Ashley while we list off things that suck in her life right now-
-Didn’t get job she interviewed for bc they hired internally (bad timing!!!)
-Gets in car accident (and gets ticketed for it)
-Is broke (seriously.)
-Absolutely cannot focus on schoolwork (burnt out??)
-Despises her current job
-Has the emotions of a rock (none. whatsoever.)
-Absolutely hates the way her body looks
I know. I can hear the world's smallest violin playing now. I could probably think of more, but that’s just what comes to mind. Though I have no emotions whatsoever, I think I realized that I have deep feelings (or something like that) for someone I hardly know and who hardly knows I exist. I’m not sure that ‘feelings’ is the right word, but I just have this person on my mind every single day. He’s the only person I caught a glimpse of for a split second and never forgot that moment. I had to know who he was. Now, he comes across my mind everyday. And I’ve only been around him a handful of times. How is this? He’s an arrogant, self-centered, egotistical, narcissistic smart-ass. Yeah the first four words are all synonyms, but that’s him. He tries to dispute anything anybody says. He doesn’t let anybody ‘win’; he has to get the last word in. He’s become ‘short’ in the way he talks online. I can’t ever tell his tone of voice, but it sounds dry and boring. And yet he’s caring, kind, intelligent, loving (to his family), and adventurous. He’s handsome and physically fit. He hardly knows I exist and makes me feel so small in this world. Yet when I see his name appear, whether in a text or online, my heart rate increases, I feel queasy, and I start sweating. Geez when he lived here, I felt on edge all the time. Yes, I said when he lived here because he moved. Months ago. And I still get like this.
So maybe I do have emotions? It doesn’t feel like it. I’ve adapted the “death is inevitable, there’s nothing you can do about it” attitude. ‘Things’ just don’t affect me anymore. I don’t cry at funerals. I don’t cry at weddings. I don’t care anymore if I hurt someone’s feelings. And likewise, mine don’t get hurt easily like they used to. With love or feelings for the opposite sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that it would suck to give someone your all, love them so much, then they get taken from you. Whether it be 5 years from now or 50 years from now. That kind of hurt seems unbearable and almost unnecessary. I’ve become numb…and that’s fine. OH! And the divorce rate nowadays!? Ridiculous. What a waste of time, money, and love. People, get married for the right reasons. Not for money, status, looks, convenience, etc.
The thing is I still want to be a mom. When I think back to the days where I knew I wanted a family, I remember wanting children. …Not a man. So if I never get that ooey-gooey, lovey dovey romance, I’ll adopt a child who needs a home. My dad SO wants to be a grandfather and he’d be a great male role model for a child.
Gee this is a lot to think about and I’m sort of spilling my bloody guts all over the internet. But, I needed to vent. Hopefully things will start looking up for me. I could use a sign from the universe. And maybe I’m hoping that guy I was talking about would see this!! Hehehe….no, actually he’d probably think I was creepy and avoid me at all costs after reading this! I hope I didn’t scare any one away!
